Dear Dogs of Noe Valley:

I have noticed many of you left tied to parking meters, benches, trees, pickup beds, and, on one occasion, a car door handle, outside eating and shopping establishments. I've seen you fastened sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours, while the person you guard does errands or enjoys a chat with friends, a meal, or a shopping spree.

I know this distresses you. I know this from your angry, sad, and heart-wrenching barks and whines that you manage to sustain for a very, very long time. The short, small comforts of strangers who pet you, feed you, and give you water are nothing compared to the stress you are under while lashed by your leash to a pole or vehicle, sometimes in the rain or direct sun.

Consider revolution.

When they attempt to tie you up, bite them. Or, at least, grab their ankles or cuffs and refuse to let go. I know that it goes against your genetics and training to bite the hand that feeds you, but those people who ignore your pleas are doing you harm and making those of us who hear you angry at your treatment, as well as at the disruption. I suggest this revolution for our mutual benefit.

I would not ask you to harm anyone, but as your repertoire of communication is limited--whining, barking, biting, growling, and urinating are the only methods available--they are often misinterpreted as simple urges rather than signals. Even my intercession on your behalf does not lead to beneficial results. I do not think it is a case of misunderstanding, as I have the use of a range of words as well as gestures to communicate the urgency of these situations. Rather, as the following examples show, I suspect sheer selfishness.

One woman informed me that not only was leaving her corgi outside of Starbucks in a cold winter rain for an hour beginning at 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday a healthy training method, but that she had a right to let her pet bark, her pet had the right to bark, and I had no right to be concerned or to complain. She finished by referring to me as a female member of your species, which I took both as a compliment and a misnomer.

On another occasion, again at an unholy hour for any but the most agrarian Australian shepherd with many a sheep to herd across a vast outback, a man protected by a particularly nervous and aggrieved terrier replied oddly to my suggestion that eating breakfast while his dog evinced distress was unkind and rude with the notation that he knew his dog was barking. He was, he pointed out, watching the dog bark. I attempted to correct his peculiar notion that watching a dog bark was an appropriate thing to do by telling him that watching is not the same as hearing or addressing the barking. The gentleman's response involved ordering another complete breakfast accompanied by a hand gesture humans find offensive.

I give you a third example of three dogs considered the property of three separate people. All the dogs were tied to the same parking meter while the people stopped for a drink or seven. A car alarm went off next to the poor animals who were already upset at being left outside for an extended period of time. The dogs began to quarrel amongst themselves, and the fight extended to a passerby who tried, unsuccessfully, to disengage the animals from each other. Eventually, the pet owners emerged from the establishment, gave a hearty and useless command to the animals--"Stop it!"--and reentered the bar. Police reprimanded the owners of the drinking establishment as well as the owners of the animals, who waited nearly a full week before repeating the episode.

So my dear dogs, the time is right for you to declare your displeasure in no uncertain terms. Bite, nip, nibble, clip, or grab those who would leave you in torment. There is no need to injure anyone, for this should be a revolution of manner, not of hierarchy. We all deserve to be treated respectfully. Sometimes those who walk upright and possess opposable thumbs must be reminded that those traits do not grant an exception for rotten behavior or allow anybody to thumb one's nose at those of us who share geography and society.

-from Noe Valley Voice, December 2005